Are you one of us?

October 26, 2010

malay mo, may way



And now, the end is near,
And so I face the final curtain.
My friends, I'll say it clear;
I'll state my case of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full -

I've travelled each and every highway.
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets? I've had a few,

But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course -

Each careful step along the byway,
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew,

When I bit off more than I could chew,
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried,

I've had my fill - my share of losing.
But now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that,

And may I say, not in a shy way -
Oh no. Oh no, not me.
I did it my way.
For what is a man? What has he got?

If not himself - Then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way.
Yes, it was my way.



I never thought that this song would have that much impact on me. Eto daw yong kanta na pag nasa videoke bar ka, aba eh kelangan mo nang mag-ingat. I dont know if those were just a mere coincidence but a lot had been said about this song. Dami daw namamatay sa kantang ito....

As on my part, I guess its true. A part of me is dying and I guess a lifetime would not be enough to move on. A lifetime would not be enough to forget.

These days, by far, I may be on the lowest point of my life. Ito yong pagkakataon na sobrang down. Eto yong pagkakataon na sana I wish i am numb enough to feel the pain. This too is the time that pain and agony has its confusing meaning. I thought I had high tolerance for emotional pain. I had been through a lot of struggles but lately this was too much. Too much to bear ,too much of its kind. just too much..

All my life, nabuhay akong ipinaglalaban ang kaligayahan ng mga taong mahal ko. Lahat ng magandang pwedeng mangyari sa kanila pinaglaban ko. Pero bakit ngayun sarili kong kaligayahan mukhang di ko kayang ipaglaban? Bakit?

I hate making promises because I get disappointed when those we're not fulfilled. I rarely do so. And there are just few of them. Just when my ever beloved nanay died, I made a promise to her that whatever happens I will take care of the family. Pipilitin kong itaguyod ang kung ano mang meron kami, yon ay ang bawat isa. Wala naman kaming yaman pero ang bawat isa ang itinuturing ko na higit pa sa kung ano mang yaman. I did my best to fulfill such promise not knowing that another promised seem to be sacrificed. Yon yong promise ng sarili kong kaligayahan. Yong yong promise ng puso na sanay gustong tuparin ngunit may mga bagay lang talaga sigurong mahirap unawain at pagsabayin....

Sa ngayon, pinipilit kong mag-isip ng matino. Im trying my best to be as positive as I can. I know am a very optimistic person and at the same time I am too aware of reality. Yong reyalidad na unti unting pumapatay ng isang parte ng iyong pagkatao. Yong reyalidad na ang tanging pwedeng gamot ay tanggapin ang katotohanan, na may ibang taong pumupuno at tumutupad sa "promise" mo sa iyong sariling kaligayahan. Yong promise na ang taong gusto mong pasayahin ay pinapasaya na ng ibang tao at ikaw ay nakuntento na lamang na maging masaya para sa kanila.

Masakit isipin, lalong masakit tanggapin. Ngunit sabi nga, walang ibang makapagpalaya sa iyong sarili kundi ang tanggapin at palayain ang damdamin. Palayain na kahit ibig sabihin nito ay sakit na dadalhin sa hindi mo alam kung hanggang kelan. Masakit pero sige lang. Masakit pero wala kang magagawa. Masakit, kasi kahit gusto mong lumaban alam mong masasaktan ka lang. Masakit yong malaman mong ikaw ang lahat ng may dahilan. Masakit na nagdadrama ka dahil sa iyong sarili mong kagagawan. Masakit kasi mali ang pagsulat mo ng script ng iyong buhay. Masakit na di gaya ng fairy tale na may happy ending ikaw na bida sa sarili mong kwento ang syang talunan. Masakit at nakakapagod. Masakit na sa kwento mo, ikaw na syang bida eh ikaw ring ang syang kontrabida, isama mo pa na ikaw na din ang alalay ng bida at ikaw pa ang karamay at kakampi ng kontrabida.

Masakit pero yong ang kwento ko sa ngayun. Yon ang kwento ng buhay ko. Di pa naman siguro ito ang ending. Malay mo isang chapter lang ng buhay ko. Malay natin na sa bawat paglipas ng bawat araw ay isang pahina ang tinutuklap mo para sa panibagong buhay. Malay mo di mo namalayan na sa kamamalay mo ay tapos na pala ang kwento mo. Di man happy ending at least yon ay totoo...

malay mo, may way!!!!!

October 11, 2010

ang misyun ni ahwod

gaya ng sabi ko sa huli kong blog, ang aking below average stupid mind is not working. Pero ngayun nakakatuwa na at kahit papano eh umaandar na... yon nga lang sana tama lang. yong sakto lang.... sana...

lights off...
unan, kumot...zzzzzzzzz

swabe sa pakiramdam. ang dating "plaine white smile" ay ngayoĆ½ ngiting aso na. Lagpas tenga ba. Kalain mo ba namang kasama mo si Cristine Reyes at Angel Locsin. At wag ka, kausap mo sila habang two piece lang suot nila. Inaya nila ako, pero humindi ako. Pakipot ba, para di halatang easy to get. Ano ako, kaladkarin?....Kahit napakaganda at maalindog pa sila magpapakipot muna ako.... Kelangan nilang mag effort...

PAK!!! lastimak na lamok to. weset. ayan naalimpungatan at nagising tuloy ako. Di pa nga tapos yung panaginip ko. Siomai naman, nagpapahard to get pa ako eh. Bitin tuloy.....

P.S. (kung bitin ka lalo naman ako!!! kaya wag kang epal)

sa kagustuhang maipagpatuloy ang aking panaginip, ipinagpasya kong matulog ulit. Pagpasensyahan na lang muna ang istorbong lamok, humanda ka na lang bukas. kelangan havey tong panaginip ko. kelangan ang susunod na kabanata....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

May nakatayo, nakabalabal ng puti at may nakakasilaw na liwanag. di ko mamukhaan. Bigla na lang nagsalita. Ang klaro ng boses. Buong buo parang galing sa likod ng mga ulap.SABI "Ikaw ahwod ay may misyon. darating ang panahon na pag sisilbihan mo at paliligayahin ang buong sangkatauhan." Huwat? are you kidding? Pano ko gagawin yon? Isa lang ang katawan ko at isa lang ang kaya ko sa isang araw. Ang laki ng mundo. Sangkatauhan ba kamo? Baka abutin ako ng 100 years eh di ko pa sila napagsilbihan at napaligaya. Bigla akong napahawak,sa gilid ng kama. kawawa ka noy, mapapalaban ka yata. Huhuhu pano toh? pano ko gagampanan ang misyon ko? Bangungot na toh. Nightmare ba. HELP!!!!!

Pinitik pitik ko, ayaw tumayo.... Pitik ulit ayaw talaga... Pinitik, inalog, winagwag ang sarili ko, sa wakas nakatayu din ako. nakabangon. Ano ba naman yan. Bakit iba na ang karugtong ng panaginip ko....bahkeeeeeettttttttt waley?


bangon na nga lang....
mamaya na lang ulit matulog.
si cristine, si angel ang ang panaginip kong waley...

P.S. wag maniwala. imbento lang to.
waley o havey? u decide LOL

processing mode

EMO MODE...'tis man so sad. I wont tell you why.(sniff2x). My not so ever reliable below average level brain seems to reject the thoughts. Heart seems to be numb. Both (brain and heart) is on the processing and loading mode.

Can someone "shut me down"? or I just need to "log off"? "switch user" is not an option though...

Why oh why? I need to feel, hurt or whatever it is, but I cant because my stupid mind rejects the thoughts. Now, mind and heart works in unison. They are working against me, or should I say, they are not workin?....

'tis should not be happening. aint nothin can do but cry. tears slowly run down my not so nice face. (which I thought I had before). loosing my confidence which I thought I have reach its all time high(but at good point). Self esteem is broken. Soul is broken....

Blurry thoughts, undefiable feeling, a blank face, and a plain white smile, not fake just plain white smile. Please my dear senses work for me. Please dear brain work now....

Coffee on the table seems no taste. It dont even awaken any senses which is very unusual. I thought I could trade anythin for coffee.... Thats only what I thought....

I dont need someone to listen. I dont even need someone to cry with me. I just need someone to know that Im not ok....

I dont need anybody now. Moreso that dont need someone who will tell me what to do. I dont need it, because I might end up doing nothing and that would be useless.... just like me...


ME on the processing mode................





October 5, 2010

echoes of the heart

Long and winding journey it is.
Road seems so dark.
I have nothin but YOU.
only you , you and you...

If the whole universe seems to be against you?
Whats the best thing to do?
Is giving-up an option?
Or continue fighting on your own?

I have nothin but you.
Just stay and be true.
On your promise Im holding on...
Keep it on. Keep it on....

Im holding on you, but please hold me too...
Guide me as I walk with you.
Sing for me as I dance for you..
Be with me as I wanna be with you...

the promise of tomorrow is unknown
I cant answer it by my own..
Be with me and let us see
Of whats the future is in store for you and me..

Lets hold hand and walk together
Say our promise to be forever.
You and me we're meant to be.
You and me and forever will be....

October 3, 2010

ONE HEART ( the RECON experience)


at long last. RECON na!!!! October 1-3, 2010 is the day I had been waiting for. I badly needed this for I really need spiritual nourishment. I am starting to feel spiritual drought, I am starting to feel emptiness. I need something I dont know. I badly needed it....

With so much excitement for no concrete reasons at all, I attended the RECON. I feel that theres someone calling me. I am starting to hear. I am starting to feel.

I had so much questions to ask. I am needing an answer. I badly need it.

Thursday, September 30 we had our upper household at Lions Den. Final instructions and final preparations. Our parents, our Chapter coordinator Tito Lowell and Tita Inday had their final reminders. Division of batches kasi hindi kami pwedeng magsabay sabay because of our work schedule. all in all there were three batches. the first batch will be leave at 4 am, next will be in the afternoon and the next will be on saturday morning. I was on the first batch.

Walang tulog. 4 am ang aming call time. lucky enough and with ONE HEART wala ng nalate which is napakadalang mangyari na maging on time kaming lahat...

The travel
On the bus.... Ate emz and me prayed togethere. Prayed for a safe trip and prayed to prepare our hearts for the conference....

While traveling, I am figuring out whats in store for me. Am I really called to be there? Am I ready with pure heart?

The travel was good. A beautiful and perfect setting of landscape and seascape. on our left were beautiful mountains, countless rivers, vast ricefields. And on our right is the perfect seascape. The sea and the ocean. The horizon, a point where the water seems to kiss the blue sky. I pause and stared the horizon with amazement... Just like HIS love, its never ending..., thats what pop up at the back of my backless mind...

At around 10 am or so, we arrived at the venue. The Binirayan Sports Complex. Aha!!! we are I guess the first one to arrive. Nauna pa kami sa Registration committee. We decided to go to Gaisano Mall and had our lunch...

At 12:oo noon, padami na nag padami ang attendees.
At almost 2:00 pm the Conference started. The competitions started. We joined the amazing race and we won. Group effort and Team work is what made us won but more than the bragging rights of being the Amazing Race champion, its the thought and memories that we shared together that I would always remember. The runs, the tasks, the rides and I guess the Sibuyas and Pipino shake with no sugar or milk will top the list....

THE TALKS AND WORKSHOPS
GREAT!!! would be one word on how I could describe the talks. great topics, great speakers, great sharers. Everyone and everybody is great. HE is GREAT, all the time.

The Great topics were 1. A heart made for God. 2. Heart wired to Christ 3.Heart to Heart 4.One Heart for JESUS. and the workshop I attended is The best 3 Hours. With me in the workshop are Ng Angga, April, Ate Emz, Des, Eugene.

The talks and the workshops is what I am always looking forward when attending the SFC activities.

In these RECON my question were answered. He answered. I was so lucky and blessed that I attended. Im glad that I accepted HIS invitation. Im glad that I listed to HIS call.

HE and the recon taught me so much. HE tought me to have Absolute Trust in Him, Complete Dependence on HIM and Total Surrender on HIM. Thanks my Lord. Thank you for the answer...

with humility and humble heart, I COMMIT and I ACCEPT. still guide me LORD. still blessed me. I am not relying on my human capacity to fulfill my promise to you. I am relying, trusting and surrendering everything on YOU. YOU is the POWER. With my heart I offer my life...

I laugh, I listened, I sang (kahit sintunado), I danced, I praised, I glorify solely for my Lord. I never think of myself while doing this unlike before. I dont care how I look like. All I know is Im doing what my heart says. I am doing to express not to impress. Im showing my LOVE and PRAISE...

SATISFIED and ANSWERED. LOVED AND CARED. theres so much to share. so much to write about my overflowing RECON experience. this space would not be enough. But to sum it up HE ANSWERED. he cleared my mind and my heart. He took all the worries. I am ready to face another life with great strenght. Im ready to share and ready to be his child again. I Commit. I renewed.... with HIS guidance and power I know I will and I would....

THE TRAVEL BACK HOME
at 3 pm we leave San Jose antique. me and des started recited our prayer. with us are Bros and sis from South Negros bound for Boracay.

at the bus I was seated with sis des and sis Susane. We had our mini concert. the three of us is the star performer and the three of us at the same time is the ever loyal fans and audience. hahahah

I dunno kung anong oras na kami nakarating, we just had our dinner and had our seperate ways...

i sleep around 12 pm and woke up the next day at 11 am. i blogged and shared this... i had to fix myself and go out for a late brunch(?) and early dinner perhaps. then sleep again and be ready again for a work tomorrow.....

with so much love... thank you