Please listen to what I'm not saying by Charles C. Finn

I just wanna share this poem to everyone. Maaring ang poem na 'to ay sinulat ni Charles C. Finn para sa akin, para sa atin o malamang ay para sayo. Maaring ang tinutukoy nya rito ay ang kanyang sarili, o mas malamang ay ako at baka lalong ikaw. Sakaling nasa emo mode ka habang nagbabasa nito, di naman bawal ang matuwa, malungkot o mas cool sigurong umiyak. Ilabas ang dapat ilabas, dugo, pawis, luha, laway pati na ang plema para mas feel mo ang drama. happy reading everyone

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

I give you the impression that I am secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. Please.

My surface may seen smooth... beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in loneliness, but I hide this. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That;s why I frantically create a mood to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is my salvation. And I know it.

It's the only thing that can assure me of acceptance and love. I'm afraid that you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh. To laugh would kill me.

So, I play my game, with a facade of assurance without - and a trembling child within. And so my life becomes a front. I only chatter to you in the suave surface tones... I tell you everything that's nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. For when I go into my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully to what I'm not saying.

I dislike the superficial, phony game I'm playing. I'd like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me. You've got to hold out your hand even when it seems to be the last thing I seem to want or need. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be the creator of the person that is me, if you choose to. But it will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me the blinder I strike back. It is irrational, but despite what the books say about man, I am irrational. I fight the everything I cry out for. Bit I am tole that love is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls, but with gentle hands - for a child is very sensitive.

Who I am, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. I am every man and woman you meet.

apples and lemons

just when I gave up something I wanted,

just when I thought that I'm perfectly fine now,

just when I embrace the fact that I'm meant to be in the place I am now, BORACAY

and just when I finally love the work, the island, my colleagues, my routine that I once consider my self made prison....

And then, here's the opportunity Ive been waiting for so long. Long enough that I learned to accept and believe that some things isn't really meant for us.

Discernment. Oh God help me. Should I or should I not. Now I'm torn between two great things I both wanted. The thing that I prayed and ask long time ago. And because it takes a while before I finally got the answer, I learned the art of patience and learned making lemonades, since I receive lots of lemons, though I ask for apples. And just when I finally love lemons and lemonades, here comes the freshest apple right in my doorstep....

Back to square one. I'm the luckiest soul now that I had these options and opportunities. If I could only take them both, but I know I cant. I cant  and I wont be greedy like those politicians. I wanted both lemon and apple. But I need to choose one. 

Now I'm praying....

Apples or lemons?...

Help, your son needs YOU again this time.

and thank you for the lemons and apples.

alaala ng nakalipas

Finally Im back...

Pagkatapos ng medyo mahabang pahinga, nandito na naman ako. Susubukang magsulat, magkwento ng mga pangyayaring alam ko namang walang intresadong magbasa.  Pero ganun pa man, ayos na tong pamatay oras. 

Sa isang buwan kong pagkawala sa Isla ng Boracay, medyo marami din naman nangyari. Nakapagpahinga at naging normal ang buhay.. Naramdaman kong "tao" pala ako at hindi "paniki". Kasi naman since 2005 akoy gising at nagtratrabaho sa gabi habang ang karamihan sa inyo'y tulo laway at nagwewet dreams LOL.

Naging bonding moments din namin ng aking kapatid ang panahon ng aking bakasyon. Bilang nagpapagaling dahil sa letcheng pagsabog ng appendix, mas napatunayan kong napakaswerto ko dahil meron akong kapatid na handang gawin ang lahat para masiguradong ayos lang ako. Salamat. yon lang ang tangi kong masasabi para sa kanya.

Nagkaroon din ako ng pagkakataon na mabisita ang dati naming bahay na ngayon ay wala nang nakatira. Tanging ang aking kapatid na lang kasi ang bumibisita doon isang beses isang linggo kapag me panahon. Sa panahong nandoon ako, di ko mapigilang malala ang mga magagandang nangyari sa pamilya namin. Ang nanay kong ilang taon na ring sumakabilang buhay, ang tatay kong may nang bagong asawa, ang aking kapatid na babae na sya na lang naiwan sa amin at nakatira na sa munting bahay na aming pinagtulungang ipagawa, at ang aming bunsong nasa barko na nagtratrabaho. May pagkakataong kusang bumabagsak ang mga luhang pilit pinipigilan. Ang mga luhang tumulo ay hindi dahil sa kalungkutan kundi pasasalamat kasi nakita ko kung gaano na kami kalayo sa dati naming buhay. Ngayon, kanya kanya naming tinutupad ang kanya kanya naming pangarap at kahit malayo sa isat isa di naman nawawala at nababawasan ang pagmamahal ng bawat isa.

Sa bahay na yon, doon namin binuo ang aming kanya kanyang pangarap, at alam ko sa bahay din na yon namin pagsasaluhan ang bunga ng aming pinaghirapan. Hindi sa pagiging masyadong ma-emo o mamateryal pero di namin pedeng pabayaan ang bahay na yon. Kahit sabihing wala ng nakatira doon, napagkasuduan pa din naming alagaan yun dahil yon ang mag papaalala sa amin kung nasaan kami galing at yun ang magiging piping tagapagsabi kung gaano na kalayo ang aming narating (kung meron man) at ang aming mga dapat balikan.

At bilang balik trabaho na ulit, sana ang mga bagay bagay na nagawa ko noong bakasyon ay magawa ko pa din kahit isang beses isang buwan. :-)

memories memories memories