I'm ALMOST broken....
that sunday evening,
when i thought everything was perfectly working.
when everything seems to be in perfect place.
when everything seems to be just perfect.
but i was wrong, so wrong for that matter.
That sunday morning, am actually excited for I had planned everything for that day. First on the list, accompany someone (a very nice person) to visit his mothers grave. and then go home and take a short nap and will proceed to Balabag School for the CLP and attend mass after,and then, go home and sleep again, and finally wake up and go to work.
Well, the day go as it planned. What bothers me is, when I finally home from church, I was bothered by someone, and somethin. I wasn't feeling better that time. I know back in my mind that something might happen, but I had set aside that thought. I just attributed it, that maybe I'm just not on a perfect condition that's why I'm paranoid of thinking many things, worries in short. Thinking more on other people and not me. I had also think of my health problem that needs to be addressed soon. As i said, I had set aside those worries.
As I'm about to sleep (that was almost 8 pm and have to wake up at 9 pm for work). That's where I had realized that indeed, something has really gone wrong. Something is really wrong, that needs to be addressed so soon. But how would I, if I really don't know what to do? How would you address a problem, if you really keep denying on your self that there's really a problem. How would you addressed your worries if in the first place, your mind thinks about the people you love, should come first. (sigh) How selfish I am if I take care myself first than my love ones. How selfish I am if, I know inner pains should really be addressed soon. So soon, before I realized that something and someone in me is lost, and worst, someone in me is dead. or even worst, me is dead.
Ever since my mother died, I had conditioned and believe in myself that I'm strong. Strong enough for everything. And somehow,time comes that I was caught off-guard. There are times that I am a failure to others eyes, but I still believe I've just did what should be done. If others see it as a failure, at least I've done what I think is right. had not stepped on someone.(that's what I believe so). Somehow, when you do things the right way, you hurt people on the process. Sometimes when you fight for what you know is right, you may hurt other peoples egos. The keyword there is HURT. If on a certain process you think you hurt others, you should always think that along the way, you was hurt. Hurt, because you think of them first before you. Hurt because somehow you deprive something for you. Hurt because something hurts, just hurt.
Back to that evening. My concern had been in me for a couple of weeks already. Or I guess its months already. I cant do nothing about it, or maybe I can do something about it, but I had set my priorities already. Few months from now, my top priority will be over. I guess I could attend to my self concerns more. I just hope that is not too late for me. But for now, I have to be happy as life goes on. As long as there is life, I should and will be happy. There's no other way to live life. Just live by it. Just live happy. There are so many reasons to be happy. If you find one reason to make you sad and mad, look for two or more reasons to make you happy. In that way you live the life on a happy basis. Deal more on a happy aspects of life. Deal more on good memories. As i always said, there is no perfect life, but we can always make perfect memories on our imperfect lives.
If you find no more reasons to be happy, that's the best time to face all worries you had left behind. Its all a matter of timing. If there are still more reasons to be happy, that's not yet the time to face your uncertainties, after all your uncertain. But for now, I have to be happy. Yes, I have worries that I need to addressed so soon, but I believe its not yet the time. Yes, i must be happy. Happy because I had a day in everyday. My days is not always perfect, it don't always go as it is planned, but I must be happy. I will always choose to be happy despite of so many reasons to be sad. I choose to be happy and live. If someday, I find no more reasons to be happy, I still have those happy memories. In that way I will never ran out of happy reasons to live.
If someday, I don't have anymore reasons to be happy,
If someday, I don't have access to those happy memories any more,
It don't mean, that I will have a sad life.
It only means, GoODbye.
Goodbye not to anyone,
But goodbye to worldly happiness.
Happiness that accompanied by pains and heartaches.
Goodbye because I am welcomed by someone and to somewhere else.
GOoD bye, because someone is waiting.
waiting for something better and brighter....