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December 18, 2009

I survived

As the year comes to an end, I had this mixed emotions. Happy, and still on the process of absorbing things that I guess happened too fast, too fast maybe because I give so much time to something that I tend to forget that life just don't revolve in a particular challenge, if there are challenges there are too many blessings. Life has a lot of surprises. It has a lot of twist.

But I guess, what I could really not forget are those things that help me defined as a person. I had been subjected to baseless judgement, which I guess everyone had been through. At some point the image that I had tried to protect was somehow tainted because of nasty rumors. But everything happens for a reason. I had learned to define myself well and composed according to the standard of being refined individual person. I was also subjected to character assasination. It work somehow. It get me distracted but luckily I won over it. I had developed my sense of focus and I had believed in myself this time that I never imagined before. I had a very low self esteem but because of what had happened I am now a person who overcome my weaknesses.

This year, I had determine my weakness. Thankful to the workshops I had attended and thankful to the brothers and sisters in my christian community for I had learned too much from each of them. Because of them I honestly and fully understand myself as a unique person. Weak and vulnerable. As they say, it requires courage before a person would finally acknowledge he is weak and imperfect. As Fr. Adlai says, you will never correct your wrongdoings if you don't have the humility to accept that you are wrong. Admission is a plays an important role.It all starts in here. As I had accepted and determine my weakness, I had done my best to overcome most if not all of it. I had overcome those because I admit to myself that I am weak, imperfect and vulnerable.

And I guess the best thing I learned this year is, despite all the bad things happened in my life, there is so many blessing that I should be thankful about. Those bad things were just spices in my challenging life. It helps me entertained, otherwise I get bored. All things happened had contributed a great plot in my life story. My life had lots of twists. Many unexpected things happened that makes my life more interesting, its a no boring life story. Maybe ten years from now and reading this entry, it will make me cry, cry in appreciation that God was so good to me despite of my imperfection. He is the Loving God that had never ask conditions for him to love and showered me with his enormous blessings.

for all the good and bad things happened, blessings and challenges I'm giving all the glory to my God. In his mighty name, I SURVIVED!!!

December 8, 2009

Fantasy in Us

Life is really full of complications. Everyone has its own way of dealing circumstances. All of us has its own point of views on a particular thing. Sometimes it conforms with other's ideas, and sometimes it is simply the opposite. And in this case, arguments arise. We cant forced someone to agree with us, as we cant, ourselves agree with them. But not because our ideas don't conform with one another, someone is wrong. It doesn't mean that you don't agree with someones point of view, they are wrong. This works in vice versa.

Really, life is too complicated. Life is a mystery. Life is a puzzle. Life is unpredictable. Life is to be live as it is. But who makes the life complicated? Is it really a nature of life? Or maybe its just us that makes life complicated? Or maybe its the environment where we live in, that makes it complicated? Whatever it is, the answer lies is in us. We cant answer this question for another person, for he may have different thoughts about it.

As time passes away. As I think that I am growing maturely, somehow I ask myself, I am really growing? or maybe I'm getting immature. There are things that you believe that are right but to others, its not. There are things that you fully understand and to some is like a puzzle. Lately, I realized that their are things I understand better, but it don't conform to someones idea. We argued about it, and to no avail, we ended up unresolved. She sticked to what she believed in, And I stand to mine. I had respected hers, never ask anyone for a back-up. Unlike what she did, she ask some of her friends and ended up working things and thoughts against me. I respected their collective opinions. I respected their collective thoughts. But as I can see, they don't do the same at me. I am still standing to what I thoughts is right. My ideas is never been influenced by other people. This is my stand and I believe in it. If they don't, that's fine, but they don't need to put the blame on me. I really believe and will ever be, to what is right. I am a believer of what is right. For some, they will never believe you, especially if they realized that you are right. Why is that? Why people have that unnecessary pride to admit they are wrong. They will never accept they are and tend to ask symphaty to others. And why there are few people who easily gives that symphaty to that false belief? Accepting that you are wrong is never been a sin ,and it will never be. Humility is what everyone needs to work things out. This also I need as I believe that they need the same.

Another lessons I learned lately is keeping silent. As they say "Silence is often misinterpreted, but never been misquoted". Yes, silence can send false and wrong impression, but on the other hand, it will never be misquoted. It may be misunderstood. And silence has also its disadvantages. If you need to break your silence to shed light on particular matter, it may be helpful. But make sure that you really will shed light.

Life is two faced. Life always leaves us multiple choices and sometimes, or most of the time, it leaves us only two. To be right or to be wrong. We can justify that we are right as we can justify our wrong ideas to be right. Sometimes, this is a world of make believe to some few people. Sometimes you believe too much on false ideas, sometimes you believe too much to yourself. Sometimes you believe too much on your fantasy, justify that's its true. You make fantasy into false reality. Thats the power of yourself. that's the power of false belief.
That is you....
That's us.............

November 30, 2009

Emo Tero 101

Life somehow sucks. paulit ulit na lang. masaya ngayun, bukas malungkot. stress free ngayun, bukas pasan mo ang daigdig. Whew, ang buhay nga naman, parang life. Pero sa kabilang banda, ang buhay na minsan ayoko, ay sya ring buhay na gusto ko. Ang gulo ng buhay. ang gulo ko... haaaaayyyyyyyyyy....

Pero bakit nga ba ang gulo ng buhay? Ako ba o tayo ang nagpapagulo nito, o yong mga taong nakapaligid sa atin? O baka naman talagang magulo lang ang buhay..... ang gulo. ang gulo gulo.

Kelan lang sobrang saya ko. Kelan lang para akong nasa cloud 9. Kelan lang, ang dami kong pangarap, ang daming gustong gawin, ang saya. Pero ngayon, eto ako nakaharap na naman sa computer, nakupo... at nag-iisip. Malungkot. Oo malamang alam nyo na yon. Pag nag ba-blog ako malungkot ako, pero minsan masaya din naman. Tama, masayang malungkot. Parang kelan lang ano? Ako na puno ng pangarap, pero ngayun isinasabuhay ko ang mga pangarap na yon. Pero bakit parang may kulang pa din? Parang hindi pa rin ako masaya? Kung sabagay, pano ka ba naman sasaya kung nangangarap ka pa din. Nangangarap na sana ...masaya ka na talaga...

Ang buhay? haaaaaayyyy. Oo nga pala, ang dami nangyari sa akin lately. Ang dami kong natutunan. Natuwa naman ako, pero don pa din ang lungkot. Lungkot dahil may natutunan ako pero ang iba ayaw tanggapin yon. Lungkot, dahil kung ano yung natutunan mong tama, mali sa pananaw ng iba dahil hassle ito sa kanila. Ano nga ba ang tama? Paano magiging tama ang isang bagay? Tama ba ito kung lahat ay sumasang-ayon sa iyo? O baka tama ito dahil napapakinabangan mo ito? Basta ang alam ko may tama ako. Ang lakas ng tama... adik ka bai....

Naku, eto naman ako. Magulo ang utak. Magulo ang isip. Hay, nagugulat pa ba kayo? Sa mga tunay na nakakakilala sa akin, malamang hindi na. Di ba nga ako si Emo Tero? Isa akong baliw. Wala lang, mahilig mag isip, at pahirapan ang sarili. Humarap sa salamin at kausapin ang ang imaheng aking nakikita. Mag reflection ba. Isipin kung tama nga ba ang mga bagay bagay na ginagawa ko. Minsan okey naman. Natutuwa din naman ako sa sarili ko, minsan pinapagilitan ko din sarili ko. At bago matapos ang drama ko sa harap ng salamin, sasabihin ko sa imaheng kaharap ko "praning ka na naman"... hoy....

Ang hirap no? Ang hirap magkunwari. Ang magkunwaring okey lang lahat kahit hindi. Ang hirap na magkunwaring malakas, pero lampa ka pala. Ang hirap magkunwaring manhid, kahit sa loob mo'y durog na durog ka na. Ang hirap makisama sa taong ayaw sa iyo pero kelangan mo pa ding gawin. Ang hirap din makisama sa taong ayaw mo pero kelangan mo pa ding pakisamahan.. ang labo. ang labo labo.... Haaaaaayyyyyy.... ang buhay. mahirap pero masaya.... Yan ang buhay ko. abnormal. abnormal ang buhay ko kaya ako abnormal na rin....

Pagmamahal? marami nyan. Marami ako nyan pero di ko lang lam kung kanikanino galing. Family? Friends? Basta alam ko maraming nagmamahal sa akin. Ngunit ang masaklap, ang mga taong mahal at nagmamahal sa'yo, sila din ang nakakasakit sa iyo. Hay naku. Sana naging manhid na lang ako. Sana bato na lang ang puso ko, o sana wala na lang talaga akong puso. Pero di naman pwedeng ganun. Malamang wala ang blog na 'to, wala ang drama na 'to kung wala akong puso. Malamang wala si Emo Tero.

Hay. sige na sa susunod ulit. magulo na ang mapurol kung utak. Masakit na ang puso kong manhid. Nagbabadya na naman ang mga luhang gustong kumawala. Ayoko neto. Ayoko ng drama... hahahaha. O aangal ka? sasabihin mo madrama ako? Hindi oy.... kaw lang yata, kasi napapadala ka sa mga inilahad ko dito. Wala toh. Walang wala sa buong nararamdaman ng puso ko. Intro pa lang to....

hanggang sa muli....

November 23, 2009

Thy will be done

like a roller coaster ride. that's how i can describe the experiences I have lately. too many distractions, too many challenges, too many trials and also too many triumphs, too many victories and too many blessings.....

I had suffered from what they call a "writers block". Its been almost a month that I had my last blog entry. I had so many things to share. I had too many news to tell but I guess at the moment, I am not really in the mood to write. Oh God. I need an inspiration, but nevertheless I'll give you some idea of whats it all about...

Much that I want to share everything, but there are topics that I need to keep it by myself. So whats the sense of this blog if I cant share it? nothing I just want to update my site hahahaha. I cant share things now for I'm still on the process of making things fall into its place. At the moment, things are falling apart and I am soliciting for your prayers. Please pray for me and for us. Please pray for SFC and please pray for my friends. Everyone is on a test, everyone is on a trial. We are all on a probationary period. We are on the purification process as my sister in Christ say so, and I agreed with her.

I am keeping my faith that everything will be settled. I know it will, not on the time I want but in God's time. Theres a lesson to learn in all of these. theres a reason behind on whats happening. And theres love after all of this...

I keep on praying and my faith is in God.

Thy Will be done

O Lord

October 13, 2009


Hiatus. That's what I had been through lately. Distracted. Lost to somewhere I don't know. Lost again with myself. I thought I know myself well when it comes to handling problems. But then, of what I been through lately, I know myself more. I am human, I succeed, I failed, and I gut hurt. I deal too much of what people talk against me, too many talks and nasty rumors. And what's worse is I gave in and give up to such and ended me as looser. But before it was too late, thanks God I had woke up and pulled out the inner strength i need. I had pick-up those broken pieces caused by nonsense rumors. Why should I deal too much of that?

With what had happened lately, I realized and learned too many things. That I am not in control of other peoples opinions. That there's nothing I can do if that's what they think about me. That the only one I can do is respect their opinion for them to respect mine. Yes, we are not in control of our environment. We are not in control of the people around us and we are not in control on how they formulate their opinions, nasty or not.

If we live our life on what people will say, we would end up unhappy and stressed. We should live our lives the way we want it to be, no matter what people will say. At the end of the day, its not the question of their life, its your life after all. Whether you live your life as to what they say or live it by your own way, still, they will have something to say. So why bother of those. Step up and live up and be happy.

September 26, 2009

isang linggong pag-ibig este pahinga

  • whew just got back from one week time off from work. Had done so many things and yet that one week is not enough...
  • Had a blast with my fathers shrimp sinigang, though I do have allergies having those shrimps but I enjoyed it.Missed it so much.The last one I guess was almost a year ago. What I hate is the itchiness and rashes all over me after eating those.
  • I had also visited my mothers grave. I guess its more than three months when I paid my last visit to the most important woman in my life. A woman that had a great influence and really had a great part of what I am today. Not just a woman, not just a mother but my hero. She will be assured of my love even though we're not together. Someday we will be together and hear together the sweet music in the sweet paradise.
  • Visited also the Cathedral. In this, I spend my special connection with God wave back in college, This is our meeting place. This is his house that every time I came I feel I'm welcome and this is the place where I'm free to have a silent cry. This is also the place where I leave my worries after having those silent cries and at the same time this is the place where I celebrate alone when i graduated in college. And it made me smile when I remember those pretty cool things.
  • Had two new ear piercings. Its been a long time that I really wanted to. Now I had three ear piercing and every pierce has its own reasons. All happy reasons all will always remind me of things I wanted to do. As my father had seen it, he found it not cool but he was not mad. Maybe if i did tell him the reasons of each ear piecing, he would appreciate it more. Had visited a tattoo artist to have one but back out the last minute. I guess I was not ready yet for a tattoo. Maybe in the future.
  • Had visited the Aeta community in Bolabog here in Boracay. They were actually the original settlers of the island, but look where they are right now. Displaced. Its pretty good thing that there are good people who manage to look for their welfare. Now they have their own community to call their own where they had erected their Homes. Mind you guys, Homes not houses. What I enjoyed most is the contest they had. A acting contest. They too can act and they too had talents. One more thing that It made me happy is when I help the Sisters giving stuffs to this Aeta. Rice, noddles, sardines, eggs, milk, coffee and more where handed to this people. How nice to see their faces with a bright smiles.
  • Been in my GG's house and spend time together with her family and friends. Its not always that we do this thing because she used to be in Manila for work. Wednesday was here birthday and turned out to be her college barkadas reunion. Its nice to see faces that I haven't seen a long time.
  • Also been in my cousin Dex and titas birthday which also turned out to be a reunion. Had seen my titas coming from Manila and my cousins that I haven't seen for a quite sometime. That was one of the most happiest day we share together. Had trekked the mountain and also swam in the river. Feels like I was like in my childhood days which I missed so much. I missed climbing trees, I missed running in the fields, missed kites, missed the carabao's and cows. Missed the countryside living.
  • And finally, I had finished the two books that had been in me for a pretty long time. Learned new things about this books and killed my spare time.
  • Been a reader in a church Eucharistic celebration, I'm actually the first reader. Meet my Household members after the mass and had our weekly household and bonded and talk so many things after. Its really nice talking to this SFC guys because we all have different views on a particular things. I learned a lot from them and I'm still learning from them.
  • Had a normal life for one week. Slept at night and also slept at day. For almost five years I had been working on a graveyard shift and it made me realized that I missed sleeping at night. Well, maybe soon. Very soon.
  • I had done so many things but i dont want to type it here. A bit tired. But really, had done so many things and that one week is not enough. Now I know how cool to be a tambay. Because they can do whatever they want. Kaya pala daming tambay ngayon. Baka balang araw ang pagiging tambay ay profession na di hihihi

September 11, 2009

there are things better left unsaid

It has always been my attitude to speak my mind. As long as i believe that what I know is right I will say it. More so if its true. Lately, I am trying to balance things out. I had been very vocal ever since, most especially to to people I am close with (thats what I believe so). But lately I had realized that because Im so vocal and speaking my mind I had been subject to criticsm, and worst, the worst critic is me. Somehow no matter how good your intention is, we still have to consider other peoples feelings to avoid conflicts. And somehow, there are things that are left better unsaid.

To make things clear to the followers of my blogsite, let me share you an experience. Much that I am concern to some of my friends (or should I say so called friends for I dont know if they consider me as one) I tell them directly and indirectly, that at some point their lazy attitude is severly affecting people around them. I did it out of concern to a friend and nothing more. I did it for I believe its the right thing. Though I am not sure if they get my point 0f telling them what is the real scenario, still I took a risk of telling them because its the truth and it would be helpful if they wil just take it. I had seen that somehow, the person understand, but just at the moment. The next day, things changed. And its sad. I did not regret of telling them what is true though I know that they want to hear something else. But im not the type of person that will say only what they want to hear, more so if its not true. Im not born to be a mambobola just make the person better. I dont feel better making people feeling good out of bola techniques. I would rather suffer the consequence of telling what I know is right that making them feel good out of foolishness.

Now I am trying to be balanced as far as I could. I am trying to weigh things before saying to a person, more so if that person is full of prides and egos. Even though it means less concern to them but I guess, I it is still out of concern why I am trying to avoid of hurting their prides and egos.

Hopefuly they realized it themselves, what went wrong and what had gone bad. If that time comes, that would mean a sweet vindication. A sweet victory not for me but for themselves, for they had grown mature and had overcome something in them.

August 28, 2009

some are really lucky

Friday night, 7:00 pm, I woke up because I got a message in my phone. I remember that we had our scheduled household at 8:00 pm at Bro. Dave's House. I heard Nilo and Lemuel calling outside my room . I let them go to Bro Dave's house since Randy is waiting at King Fisher farm and I am a bit worried to this brother since its dark at that place. I let them go ahead of me and i decided to just follow them after.

When I get to bro Dave's house, we had a short practice with some songs and then we started our activity. After the activity, we had our sharing. Whoow, I get to know more about this people. I get to know more about their lives. Nilo shared what he been through. Its hard, really hard. I admired this brother for the courage he had. He is a real survivor in every sense. Some brother also shared about what they've been through. Wow everyone has its own struggles in life. Everyone has it concerns. Everyone has problems that when you just look at them with your two bare eyes, you wont even suspect that somehow they are suffering. Its really good that in the community, we had our sharing from time to time. We had bunch of counselors that would always offer a sensitive and encouraging ideas. Lucky is me to be in this community.

Somehow, I get to ask what would be the benefit of sharing what you had been through in life? Well, first, to inspire others, inspire them of the stories and shared them the lesson you had learned while dealing on the problems. It is also a chance of sharing your burdens with other people. Its always nice and relief is felt when you know someone is listening to you. One benefit also of sharing your concerns is that you make other people realize that they are not just alone in the world having such concerns. Somehow its really good to know na hindi ka nag-iisa.
Hopefully, every concerns with this brothers will be addressed soon. Not in our own time but in God's time. Sooner, things will fall into its perfect place. In God we surrender all.

August 22, 2009

SFC Household

Yippee, we had our first household meeting together with our new batch of SFC. It was in Nilo's pad. We had discussions after and I was so thankful that I am with the group full of ideas. I was absent actually when the groupings is made, and I feel so lucky that the group I am with is the same group i handled during their training. It's a group I am truly proud of. As their Discussion Group Leader during their training, I learned many things from them and I hope they too learned from me.

We started at around 8:00 and ended past 11:00 pm. Reported to work thirty minutes late. (hehehehe). its a new set-up, hence Bro Dave had secured a manual for the household training, we discussed the first module. Its a very healthy discussion hence everyone really had great inputs. Amazing ideas. Whew. Had learned so much this night.

We also shared some personal concerns. Exchanged views on some current situations. Had shared a little something from our personal lifes So great and so true. everyone is participating. Everyone is inspiring. I'm looking forward for the next Household meeting.

And ooh.. before I forget, I should thank Nilo for the pizza. till next time bro. And speaking of food, let me share to you guys what I did to Nilo. hahahaha I actually ask him if he got what we need. He said yes. So i followed it up if he got food for us. He said ano ba dapat para makabili na sya? The pasaway in me strikes again.I ask him, where you not informed na hindi pwede yong binibili, kelangan luto nya. hahahaha. i lough my ass out when he replied, hindi', anu ba yan anung oras na pupunta pa ako talipapa at magluto after. haays. I said its okey, i was just kidding. So ending he got pizza for us. Thanks again bro.

The attendance:

Bro. Dave

Bro. Jun

Bro. Nilo

Bro. Randy

Bro. Lemuel

and yours truly

till next time bros...

August 20, 2009

back on track

  • Its been a long time that i made my latest entry. I had some troubles and feels like i don't like to blog about it. The last few weeks has been like a roller coaster ride of mixed emotions, I get emo in short. I felt bad because I really don't understand myself why I am feeling those and worse, I've lost my self confidence.
  • Lately, as I am reflecting and thinking of my future, I simply wrote down what I would like to achieve. There, I realize that I have so many things that I really wanna do and I really don't know if I could do it in time. And for that, frustrations attack me when I'm not on my best condition.It caught me off guard. I felt pressured and stress comes along. I been thinking it almost everyday and somehow I lost my tract. Too much of thinking of my future that everything seems too blurry. No fix route, no road maps, no visible signs and worse I'm in the middle of the crossroad which is totally stranged from me. It made me shaken. It made me weak.
  • But I'm so thankful that i dint lose hope. I have strong faith In God. I just prayed and I kept in mind the famous phrase "this too shall pass" I keep holding on HIM. I trust him so much that i leave my life on him. At the moment, I'm feeling better. Better than before. I realized so many things. Everything really has a purpose.
  • For what I been through lately, I realized that I get frustrated and depressed because I allow my self to. I entertained the thought of getting pressured and losing my faith in myself. I had been impatient. I want things to happen in my own time that I forget God knows the perfect timing for everything. I did not wait for HIS time instead, I want things happen in my own. I'm just so lucky that I have friends that had been checking on me from time to time. I had been so lucky for many reasons. I had been so lucky, very lucky for that matter.
  • Now I'm back on tract. Still on the crossroads where holding and stepping backward is not an option. I might stay in place, look back but aiming forward. Forward and higher. This is me. A fighter that had learned lessons the hard way. A fighter that sometimes lose in my battles. A loser at times. But always striving to stand to where I get lost and failed, look forward and aim for the high. This is the new me. Better and Stronger.

July 3, 2009


now, i guess is the best time to be fair. enough of those stupid excuses. enough of that boring script. enough of it. I'm feed up. I'm all pissed.
Its almost everyday. tolerance is totally different from being kind. irresponsibility of someone is very clear. i hate to say this, but maybe because i always buy their stupid excuses that's why they abused me. because of saying okay, things are done repeatedly because they think everything is fine within me. Because I choose to be nice than being rude, they tend to forget that someones irresponsibility pissed me off. Pissed me of big time.
I feel so hurt. So hurt because someone could correct someones bad habit, but yet nothing is done. Well, maybe just like me, they are just being nice. But again, Ill said it " tolerance is totally different from being kind". Wake up everyone. Enough of this stupidity.
From now on, Ill live to what i think is right. Ill live to what I deserve. I will not settle less to what that I deserve. I will speak my mind. Sometimes truth are harsh and most often it hurts, but I guess it would be better that way. It may hurt so, but truth, as they say will set everyone free. Through this blog, I'm now starting a new me. A man that will speak my mind. Not that will be too nice and let someone live in their dreams, and worst fantasy. Afterall they'll be waking up soon. Why not wake them up now and face reality. Why let them stay longer in their dreams if sooner they'll wake up in the reality. Wake them up and let them live in reality.
I guess, I got nothing to do with it. Sad to say that I'm not in the position to correct those bad habits. If I only have the power, then maybe these was addressed long before. Maybe I'm writing this blog no more. Since I get nothing to do with it, the best way now is to play their game. As they say it " if you can't beat them, be with them". Its not actually all about beating them. This a whole different issue, Its more of correcting stupidity. But since I'm not into the power to correct such, and worse, the person who has it, is blinded by being nice (that's what I hope so) ill just go and play their game. I know its not the right thing to do, but if its the only way to make them realize what they are doing, then I'm be ready. Flattery I guess will be my best mechanism. I will do things the way they do it. Its not right but for now, its the best. Sooner, if everyone is into reality, things will get back at normal.
For now, i can do nothing but hope. Hope for the better and hope that everyone and reality will strike them big time. Now, this is me. just me.

June 29, 2009

the process have to go....

I'm ALMOST broken....

that sunday evening,

when i thought everything was perfectly working.

when everything seems to be in perfect place.

when everything seems to be just perfect.

but i was wrong, so wrong for that matter.

That sunday morning, am actually excited for I had planned everything for that day. First on the list, accompany someone (a very nice person) to visit his mothers grave. and then go home and take a short nap and will proceed to Balabag School for the CLP and attend mass after,and then, go home and sleep again, and finally wake up and go to work.

Well, the day go as it planned. What bothers me is, when I finally home from church, I was bothered by someone, and somethin. I wasn't feeling better that time. I know back in my mind that something might happen, but I had set aside that thought. I just attributed it, that maybe I'm just not on a perfect condition that's why I'm paranoid of thinking many things, worries in short. Thinking more on other people and not me. I had also think of my health problem that needs to be addressed soon. As i said, I had set aside those worries.

As I'm about to sleep (that was almost 8 pm and have to wake up at 9 pm for work). That's where I had realized that indeed, something has really gone wrong. Something is really wrong, that needs to be addressed so soon. But how would I, if I really don't know what to do? How would you address a problem, if you really keep denying on your self that there's really a problem. How would you addressed your worries if in the first place, your mind thinks about the people you love, should come first. (sigh) How selfish I am if I take care myself first than my love ones. How selfish I am if, I know inner pains should really be addressed soon. So soon, before I realized that something and someone in me is lost, and worst, someone in me is dead. or even worst, me is dead.

Ever since my mother died, I had conditioned and believe in myself that I'm strong. Strong enough for everything. And somehow,time comes that I was caught off-guard. There are times that I am a failure to others eyes, but I still believe I've just did what should be done. If others see it as a failure, at least I've done what I think is right. had not stepped on someone.(that's what I believe so). Somehow, when you do things the right way, you hurt people on the process. Sometimes when you fight for what you know is right, you may hurt other peoples egos. The keyword there is HURT. If on a certain process you think you hurt others, you should always think that along the way, you was hurt. Hurt, because you think of them first before you. Hurt because somehow you deprive something for you. Hurt because something hurts, just hurt.

Back to that evening. My concern had been in me for a couple of weeks already. Or I guess its months already. I cant do nothing about it, or maybe I can do something about it, but I had set my priorities already. Few months from now, my top priority will be over. I guess I could attend to my self concerns more. I just hope that is not too late for me. But for now, I have to be happy as life goes on. As long as there is life, I should and will be happy. There's no other way to live life. Just live by it. Just live happy. There are so many reasons to be happy. If you find one reason to make you sad and mad, look for two or more reasons to make you happy. In that way you live the life on a happy basis. Deal more on a happy aspects of life. Deal more on good memories. As i always said, there is no perfect life, but we can always make perfect memories on our imperfect lives.

If you find no more reasons to be happy, that's the best time to face all worries you had left behind. Its all a matter of timing. If there are still more reasons to be happy, that's not yet the time to face your uncertainties, after all your uncertain. But for now, I have to be happy. Yes, I have worries that I need to addressed so soon, but I believe its not yet the time. Yes, i must be happy. Happy because I had a day in everyday. My days is not always perfect, it don't always go as it is planned, but I must be happy. I will always choose to be happy despite of so many reasons to be sad. I choose to be happy and live. If someday, I find no more reasons to be happy, I still have those happy memories. In that way I will never ran out of happy reasons to live.

If someday, I don't have anymore reasons to be happy,

If someday, I don't have access to those happy memories any more,

It don't mean, that I will have a sad life.

It only means, GoODbye.

Goodbye not to anyone,

But goodbye to worldly happiness.

Happiness that accompanied by pains and heartaches.

Goodbye because I am welcomed by someone and to somewhere else.

GOoD bye, because someone is waiting.

waiting for something better and brighter....


June 24, 2009

ஷா வதோ?

kelangan masaya ang blog na 'to
sino nga ba si Sha?

Sa mga magulang nya, isang mapagmahal at masunuring anak;
Sa mga kapatid nya, isang mapagkalingang kapatid;
Sa mga students nya, isang matalino at maunawaing titser;
Sa mga friends nya, isang maasahang kaibigan;
Sa taga SFC, si sis Sha, laging present at laging active. laging handa

Kay harold? sino sya?
Lupet men, lastimax, this is it.
Sya lang naman ay isang friend, bestfriend, big sis (and sometime little sis, pasaway din kasi to pag tinoyo), ka-trip sa kahit anong bagay, kausap (yong may sense ha? yong tipo kami lang dalawa magkakaintindihan), kadebatehan ko (pro o anti, kaya nya yan), kadramahan, katsika, kakosa, katropa, at madami pa..... ika nga, name it, at swak na swak sya don...

Pero, panu nga ba nag-krus ang aming landas?
Kasi, dahil kay Papa Lord. Beacause of the same community we shared together. Naniniwala akong pinagtagpo nya ang dalawang taong praning (owh yeah, praning talaga kami, a level higher lang si sha sa akin.), pinagsama ang dalawang taong werdo, pinaglapit ang mga may topak, plus dinagdagan pa ng maraming praning at werdong nakapaligid sa amin. Kaya tuloy pag sinumpong ng topak, kapraningan at kawerdohan, RIOT na. Anong masasabi ng mga kakosa natin sa maximum security compound ng Bilibid sa Munti pag si Sha ang nagpasimuno sa RIOT. Di papipigil, tawa kung tawa, iyak kung iyak. Owh yeah, di naman laging masaya ang napag-uusapan namin eh. Lastimakz, Marunong din naman kaming mag drama. VERSATILE yata kami noh! iyak, tawa, drama, comedy, asaran, marunong kami non. Kung pwede nga lang mag artista ang mga kagaya namin, nek-nok na ang mga sikat na artista ngayon (hahahahaha) pwede mo nang sabihin, tumabi ka Kim Chui, pack-up ka Gerald. Pwedeng ilampaso si John lloyd, si Bea Alonzo pwede nang mag retire. Yon nga lang ayaw naming sumikat. Okey na ang ganito. Simple. Walang intriga, walang isyu. Ayaw lang talaga naming mag artista,(sige na nga aminin ko na lang, kulang kami sa Face Value(hehehehehe). Pero wag namang magalit ang mga fans ni kim, gerald, jhon lloyd at bea ha, pwede pa rin naman silang mag trabaho eh. Payag naman kami ni sha na sila ang kontrabida sa pilikula namin, supporting roles bah. kung di kaya, mag kontrabida, tatanggapin na rin naman namin sila kahit mag PA sila sa amin. whew!!!!

Okey enough na..... seryoso naman tayo. (pero hindi drama ha). Si SHA. yan ang kausap ko lagi. pag subra kong saya, alam nya. pag subrang lungkot, nandyan sya. Yan si SHA. A friend in need, a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand. Wag ka lang manghingi ng pasa load, di lang ako sure. Di ko pa kasi nasusubukan humingi sa kanya ng pasa load eh hehehehehe, pero pwede mo yang utangan, hahahahaha. Shock absorber ko yan, and sometimes shock donor din hahahahaha,

Una ko syang nakilala sa SFC. Mag kapatid kasi kami sa isang christian community. Matatandaan ko pa nong may practice kami ng sayaw. Sya ang matyagang nagbibigay ng koment nya sa aking pagsasayaw. I was not born to be a dancer eh. (am just born to have the cutest face in my mothers eyes) She could throw me this line "ang panget" kong sumayaw. hahahahaha, pero I never get offended. dahil don medyo naayos ang aking mga moves. di man sya talagang matatawag na "d'moves"ng isang dancer, pwede na. para di naman ako mapahiya.

Una kaming nagbonding don sa dati nilang school. Practice yon ng sayaw. Maulan at malamig non. Akalain mo ba namang inoperan nya ako ng ice cream. pero wag ka, naenjoy ko ang malamig na ice cream sa ganoon kalamig na panahon. Mas naging close kami dahil sa kokology. Masayang laro para malaman mo ang pagkakatulad at pagkakaiba ninyo. Don ata kami nagkagaanan ng loob. Kasama namin non si Mark, Merz at Lorz (na natulog lang. pero okey lang sya naman nagdala ng food non eh)

Si Sha.
Cowboy. Game. Cool. Pagawa mo na lahat, kaya nya. (wag lang pag-isplitin)
di ata matatapos ang blog na ito kung ikwento ko sa inyo lahat nang nasa isip ko ngayon. Sa maikling panahon na aming pinagsamahan, naisip ko tuloy, ang dami na pala naming ginawa. Ang daming moments nang buhay ko na kasama sya. Ang daming drama at ang daming comedy. Daming asaran. Madaming kalokohan. haayss babalik na toh ng manila. mami-miss ko toh ng todo todo, to the highest level ba. Selfish man ang dating pero pinag pray ko kay Papa Lord na sana maging okey na lahat sa kanya, para di na umuwi ang timang na to sa manila. Pero wala eh, Papa Lord say's 'nakaplano na lahat".Sino ba naman ako para umangal kay Papa Lord di ba? Andun si hapinness na taga maynila eh, si hapinness na taga Boracay papasama namin sa kanya, Para todo na ang kasiyahan ng taong ito. Taong nagbigay nag masayang alaala sa nakasalamuha nya dito sa Isla Boracay.

Sha, sa iyong pagbalik sa Maynila, hangad ko ang iyong kaligayahan. Sana sumama sa iyo si Happiness. Sana sa muli nating pagkikita, ganon ka pa din(ka cute). Masayahin at maasahang kaibigan. I will treasure our friendship forever. Kaw ang bespren ko, kaw ang ate ko at ikaw din ang bunso kong sis. Wag mo kalimutan, si ahwod andito lang. a call and text away. pag di ako nakapagreply, pwede pasaload? hahahahaha

May 20, 2009



thats how I may describe my life lately. I lost my focused becaused somehow I had changed my daily routine. I am lost because of the many things I am thinkin of, and guess whats the worst above all these is? I realized that I just let myself bothered by no less MYSELF.

Maybe Im lost because Im always preoccupied of so many things. Had put a great weight on things that should'nt be. Lost focused because I let myself.

Im supposed to update blogs but somehow, I dnt find ample time to do so. see am lost....

to the followers of my blog, please bear with my situation. A bit busy doinn nothin hahahahaha/ But If Im back, leave those worries and you will have much more from me...

I actually missed blogging but Im having brain cramps now. So many thing I wanna share but this fuckin brain cramps stops me fron doin so.....

till next time.....

April 29, 2009

hit me big time

Tomorrow will be a special day. Well i hope so. I will be a year older and time for me to get depressed once more. I just don't know why I am like this every time my birthday comes.

No plans at all. I just don't know how my birthday will go. Maybe it would be just like any ordinary day. No special in short. Perhaps I will just celebrate it alone and reflect to what had happened to me for the past 25 years and prepare myself for another year for me to get depressed, again

Jailed. That's how I feel. Prisoned to the things I am doing. Lock in the place I don't want to, and be with people that don't understands me. Maybe they do. Maybe they pretend that they understands me. Really. Maybe they pretend that they know me. Maybe I just believe in them. Pretend that I believe in them. The hell I care though. Life must go on....

I feel that I want to end this. I'm up to it. Enough???! Suicide? Hell No, the sweetest way to commit suicide is to endure all the pains while living. For me that's best. And It works a bit. A piece of me is dying gradually....

I'm dead. Part of me to be exact. A piece of me is not me anymore. I killed myself, part of myself. I killed myself for me to be reborn. Killed myself so a new me will be appreciated by people, and even not. Enough to those times of trying my best to show my best. Enough to it. Ill just be the REAL me. The RIGHTEOUS me. Who cares if you don't like the real me though. Do i like you? hahahahaha. Perhaps Ill just do whatever I think is right. Enough of thinking other people. Ill just think of myself, for a happy me. Selfish it may sound but I swear its not. You wont agree? then maybe you too is selfish.....

Enough of Enough...

Life must go on....

It would only stop if the hell and heaven closes...

Enough of dramas,

Enough of this blog....

April 25, 2009

My Gawad Kaling Experience

Recently I and some of my brothers and sisters in Singles For Christ Boracay had voluntered in a Gawad Kalinga Project (GK) ( a housing project) in Fatima New Washington here in Aklan. It is the first project of its kind here in our province spearheaded by the Gawad Kalinga Foundation and Couples for Christ and its sub-communities.

Im still in euphoria even though few days had passed when I voluntered in such project and still looking forward of coming back to such place. As everybody know, I work on a graveyard shift and few minutes after I got home, I just had a quick fix of myself and proceded to the meeting place we agreed upon. we arrive in the site a bit late for it took more than two hours to travel to the site from boracay. (not to mention, we stop by the towns market to buy food for our lunch) After we turned over to Tita Zen our foods for cooking, we started what we planned to do. Its almost 11 am i guess and our skin hates the sun. Hay sayang ata yong gluta and silka( free ads hehehehe). A volunter even shared a story that a certain volunter told themjokingly na ang one year nyang pinaghirapang magpaputi sa isang araw lang sa GK project umitim na. hahahahaha. So after an hour or two, we had our lunch in an improvised table. We had also our improvised glass made of soda bottles. See, Filipinos can survive anywhere. We had a great food. Its like a fiesta, everything is serve in the table and you can really feel the spirit of sharing from everyone.

It is a realization on my part that indeed Im so blessed. I could eat at least 3 meals a day. can purchase cellphone load to my nearly obsolette mobile phones, I can send the weekly allowance of my sister and brother every week, I have a job that sometimes I complained of,and so on…. that I sometimes I forget that there are some people in this world who is in the battle almost everyday just to make both ends meet. How Lucky I am compared to them that indeed i dont have the right to complained no matter what, for I have everything I need everyday.

I would like also to take note the volunters for having their precious time building home for less fortunate fellows. As of the moment I guess the project is 30 percent completed.( im not sure of it anyway hehehehe). The project is actually consist of 15 duplexes or 30 house units that will be soon awarded to benefeciaries. As our elders shared, this kind of project is not anymore considered as community building but as nation building. Have we ask our self how many people are getting hungry everyday? We need more volunteers and we need more sponsors. Anyone could help and it will be greatly appreciated. We and the benefeciaries cant pay you, but HE, will pay you more than we what you had given.

Want to feel what we feel? Want to feel the extreme hapiness inside?
Be a volunter!!!!
Be in Gawad Kalinga Project.
Give your little time.
Give care.
Give love….

worry me... stressed me...

Just when I thought that everything is going well my way, I find myself thinking back to how it was a few years ago. Life is tough these days and it’s all my fault. No point in blogging about it in detail - I might just lose it.
Back then, life was a lot simpler. I went to school and play after that or watch television until the network signs off(we got no cable in our place, sigh). Back then life is uncomplicated. But what happened now? Is it all my fault? or maybe its just part of being mature? Or maybe I would accept that indeed its the reality that I havent seen when I was still younger and oh immature. Can anyone be exemted with something like this. Now, I have to worry about so many things - bills, career, social life, play dates, my siblings tuition fees and allowances, my future - name it and I’m probably worrying about it for quite sometime.
Maybe I just need another break, break from work, break from friends, break from cellphones. A time to spend with myself alone to reflect what the heck is this all about. Why am I worrying with this things to think that I had survived my daily battles well. Whats the point of worrying these if could manage it effortless. Or maybe I just need to change something in me. Perhaps more aware of the current situation and think more about the future. Perhaps set aside those worries. Perhaps this thing will pass…
I hope tomorrow will be better, and it will be better. I just know it.

reality bites

had keep this post private for a
while for it had some sensitive case and people involve are on my friends list,
but somehow i would not be real and true to myself if I keep this on private
whereas my primary purpose is to let this people know what I feel

I just learned something significant these past few days. Had learned that no matter how good life is, it is sometimes unfair. They say that when you know the truth, Go for it and stand by it.
When you know something real, and when you know something true, and the people around you keeps denying what the truth is, What will you do?. When such TRUTH will make people condemn you, What will you do? Will you still embraced the truth and stand real, or will you go with the flow just to be “in” in the crowd you are with? Not because everyone around you is doing it, its the real, true and the right thing. People tend to go with the flow and do what other people do, so as to avoid to be condemn by others.“Pakisama” in filipino term, i guess which make the Philippines and Filipinos stuck to where we are right now, a struggling 3rd world country. Where is now Atty. Frank Chavez’s famous line “stand by your principle.”? Atty Frank Chavez delivered this in one of his speech…..
“no matter what the need is, do not steal;
no matter what the price is, do not cheat;
no matter what the punishment is, do not lie;
death first before dishonor stand by your principle”Lately, I just realized that life sometimes and somehow is unfair. Somehow, people can manipulate the real situation. Had this people around me that really earned my disbelief. Somehow, they all know what is the real score to their concerns or should I say, their problems. But when a mediator tried to fix what their concerns are, only one stand to where the truth is. “kumbaga, nilaglag nila ang isa.” Poor little girl who was actually telling the truth. Ang ending, the one telling the truth had earned the bad price. Sya pa ang naging masama, for her so called friends had manipulated the situation. And poor little “mediator” that she thinks that she had fix the concerns of the people around her. Shame on her. I dont believe in you nor I will not waste time to disagree with you. It wont make sense though. You belive in yourself too much and you belive that you always do thing in flying colors. Dont advertise what you are doing, just let people recognize it. Be sensible at times please.(am begging this not for me, but for you to be respected by others. Yes respect that I know youre not aware of) Unconciously you are hurting other peoples feelings….
Telling the truth of course will set us free. Thats tried and tested formula. But sometimes keeping mum of something makes a lot of sense. Letting people around you, know the truth is the best formula you can ever have. Letting them discover the real thing first hand is a cool thing to do. Letting them fall and letting them rise is cooler. Let them know what you know, by themselves. Its not selfish giving them the oppurtunities to get the scars you have, just to let them experience of being in reality and in truth first hand. Reality and truth is sometimes harsh, but when it comes from the people you believe in and from the people you love dearly, it is alway meant to be helpful….

April 8, 2009
this blog is too safe I guess that 6
of my friends here in friendster texted/ask me If they were the one involve
above. For those who ask me, its not you guys. Kainis nga eh, DEADMA lang ang
pinapatamaan ko…. hahahaha

the lemonade I made

When I ask God for an apple, He threw me some lemons. Somehow I couldn’t understand why, but over the time, I had knew it, that, I deserve more. As HE had threw me lemons, I just accepted it wondering why lemons and not apples. Though I don’t have any concrete plans as to what to do with those lemons, I just keep it, keep it still wondering why lemons. The next day I woke up, I had this bright idea. Why not make some lemonade? and so the lemonade was the best thing I really had that day.
Above really did not happen. (sigh) I just want to show that, somehow, we couldn’t really get all what we wanted. That’s life. It would be unfair if someone or anyone of us will get everything. If you get lemons instead of apples, make some lemonades. Make the most out of everything we get. Indulge ourselves to what and where we are. Who knows, that’s the last lemon we could ever get. Make lemonade and enjoy it while you can…..
As you planned your life, Am sure that somehow, things did not turned out the way you had figured it out. Everyone had this experience I guess. You want something and you get something different. That’s what we call experience. Experience is what you get when you did not get what you wanted. See?, that might help you a lot. Experience is the best teacher though.
As I experienced, I had ask so many things but I did not get everything. As I go older (and hopefully, mature) I had really realized that if I get all the apples I wanted, I may not be the person I am right now. I had learned because of that, and embrace the fact, that I cant really get what all I wanted, yet It teach me to be humble enough and surrender myself to HIS will.
Just go on…..
Live life to the fullest….
Live life with your own style…
Can’t get apples and theres lemon?
Make a lemonade…..

dont know me....

if you want to know me, don’t look at the color of my skin, not on how funny I look like, neither how serious I might seem…not the smile in my picture……
if you want to know me, dont look at the clothes I wear, not on stuffs I used, neither through my gadgets…….
If you want to know me, dont look at me as harold, dont look at me as your friend nor dont look at me as your enemy…..
if you really want to know me, see me beyond what your eyes can see. Feel what I feel,know how good I am, and please also know how bad I am…..
If you want to know me, know how I love my family, know how I love to be love, know how I feel, or simply
just feel my depth………..
If you really want to know me, look at me, not with your eyes…
for you will never know me,…… I said never….
and I will again said it…. NEVER!!!
Instead, look at me through your heart….
for in such… you will know that I am HAROLD, the one that you really dont know.
Know me….,
know harold for what you dont know,
know me …..(sigh)….
know me beyond what you already know….

be yourself...

Choose to be right than being nice. To be right is the safest thing to do. To be nice requires a lot of effort and will just give you a bundle of stress. Lets admit it, we can’t please everyone. So why exert much effort just to be nice with the people around.Be yourself and just be right. By simply being right in everything you do no matter how complicated it is, is enough. No matter how people will hate you as long as your on the right track, let them hate you….. forever if they want (hahahahahaha) at the end of the day they will realized what they should realize.
Silly people is everywhere and shit happens everywhere. Just be yourself and be the best as you can be, and above all choose to be right. There are too many kind of people around, from mga intregerot’ intregera all the way down to mga tsismoso’t tsismosa. See? there are different kind of people, and being with this kind of people is not bad as long as you know yourself and your making the right thing.
Not because everyone is doing it, thats the right thing. Somehow going against the flow is better. for somehow, the the flow of water in the river flows backward, maybe you can observe it during high tide on the river near the seas, where waters goes back. See, dont go with the flow. make a difference.
be yourself and try to be right.
be yourself because thats the right thing to do
be yourself, not because you want to be nice with the people around
be yourself, bacause its you….
not perfect but real!!!!

doubt... lost... confused

enlighten me….. I hope that after I write this blog, I would feel better… Im living but Im dead. My life lately sucks. I felt lonely. I felt empty. I felt alone. I lost my drive. As positive kind of person I know I am, now I doubt If I still know myself. Life is boring lately. It seems that everyday is almost the same. Work home routine. I never enjoyed such life like this. I thought its the life I want years ago. But now, I doubt it. Got some issues within me. Got good people around me. Got good friends. Got my family whom, I know loves me. Got those who is always willing to help me and reach out for me. But, Ive got the problem. The problem is me. It is not easy for me to ask help. It seems so hard for me to even share my real feelings. It seem so hard. I cant blame them if they really don’t have any idea of what I feel, of what I am and of who I am. They would usually see me as the clown of the group. The would never understand me. “abnormal bai ko” hehehe Life sucks. Life is boring. Life is sad. I dont know what my problem is, or maybe because I had my life managed lately, im looking for a what they call “sakit ng ulo”. Please make me batok guys. I want to scream on the top of my lungs. I want to run to no where. I hope I could regain my drive, my inspiration. I thought I was strong. I thought I am. Or maybe I just make myself believe that I am strong, that I am tough. But now? I doubt it. Enlighten me Lord. I don’t want to be like this. I put up a wall lately against everyone. I want to live in my own world. I want to resolved all those issues that am feeling guilty of. I want to be alone. Alone that solitude is my sole companion for me to visualize what I am going through right now. Last quarter of 2008 really sucks me and I still had the hang over until this early days of 2009. Life lately sucks but its not forever, I know it…. I am lost. Lost within myself. Lost within my own world, that I, myself created. Its I guess a stage that I don’t know If I really deserve. I know I had been a good christian, but why I feel this way?. I get rid of my negative side, Tried my best to be the best that I could ever be, and in the process I get lost. Yes, I lost myself. I left myself confused…..I left myself in doubt… I had stayed away to good people. I don’t know why. I had stayed away from good friends. I just don’t want to be attached with them. I know myself better than them, If I consider you as my friend, you will always be my friend. I know I had good friends, but lately those friends hurt me unintentionally. I hate myself. I should understand them in the first place why they acted like that, I should understand them why they misjudge me. I should understand them because they are my friends, right? I should understand them the way I understand my parents no matter what they will say, at the end of the day I could still realize that they are, indeed right. I hate myself. I hate that I could not understand them. I hate myself. I hate me. Enlighten me please… This will not be forever, right?… I am not asking anyone for help… But I am begging in YOU. yes LORD only YOU

ouch... i had too much

Too much of everything is not good. Really. But how may it be? I have lots, I had enough, but I don’t have everything. I don’t have everything I need and it makes me happy and sad. Too much that makes me happy and too much that makes me sad… ouch….
Too much love. Yah, I have too much love in my heart (di nga lang halata), love for myself and love for the people around, believe me or not, but I have much love that I can make myself happy and sad. I have much love that I can make the people around me whom I cared, to be happy and, yes sad. Yes, It makes me happy that because of love I can make people happy. But on the other hand because of love I make myself sad. I deprive myself the happiness which I deserve because I always think other peoples (my love ones) concerns than thinking of my personal concerns. That’s how i love. They should come first before I think of myself. I am happy for that and So I am sad for it. Somehow, I don’t know who is me. I thought doing everything I can, to make people happy will also make me happy.Yes, it makes me happy and sad…
too much hatred. Yes I admit It. I have lots of it. ( i guess everyone have it) It had been in me since I could never recall. It has been in me, since time immemorial. I believe so that everyone have it, and it takes a special kind of courage to admit that we have it. Human as we are, we are not exempted to feel anger, even animals do feel anger. Its not actually bad to have hatred and anger in us, whats makes it bad is we allowed ourselves to be controlled by this negative feelings, rather than we should be the one to control this feelings. Yes everyone feels hatred, everyone feels anger and too much of it is no good…. ouch too much hatred…. I will overcome it…
Too much care and concern. Yes I care too much for my family. I care too much to the people I love. Everything I do is for them. I want to give them nothing but the best. I want them to be happy more than they can realize. I want them to be happy more than me. I want them the best in everything. But somehow because of giving them the best, they tend to forget that I too, deserves the best from them, and it makes me disappointed everytime they dont hit my expectation. too much care, too much concern and too much expectation is no good…
Too much trust. Yes I trust too much to the people around me. I trust too much to those “friends” I don’t even know if they are real friends. I give them the trust that I dont even know if they deserve such. I trust too much that sometime it fights me back. But not everyone are not worthy of trust of course. I still have people in my circle that I can really trust afterall. I can tell them my dirtiest secret without them judging my personality. hahahaha

sino ang baliw?

A Famous author (one of my favorite) Paulo Coelho had mentioned in one of his book “Insane always believe in first impression” I pause for a while. Stop and start realizing what he really means. Tried googling bout the line. And found out according to studies. Insane people always believe on what they see.(naniniwala din kaya silang may utak sila kahit di nila ito nakikita) Ang lalim. At first I was struggling to understood,(kunwari iniintindi kew!!) maybe because I am normal or maybe I am not? hahahahah Kaya di ako makarelate? Sabi nga nya (P. COelho on his book Veronica Decides to Die) ang mga baliw, ang tangi nilang pinaniniwalaan any kung ano lang ang nakikita nila….

Baliw na ba ang ganon? Paano na ang aking mga kakilalang JUDGEMENTAL BY NATURE? Yong mga taong ang tanging basehan para kilalanin ang isang tao ay kung ano lang ang kanilang nakikita. Yong tipong panlabas lang ang sa kanila ay mahalaga. Lampa, malamya, panget, tabingi ang ilong o di kayay lips, pimples na mala chocolate hills ang dami, nunal na parang tatalunin ang Mt. Everest sa laki, matang animoy isang headlight ng isang magarang sasakyan, katawang akala mo ay balyenang umahon sa karagatan o kayay katawang napagkakamalang panungkit. Pasaway. mabait. Makulit. Paano kung ang lahat ng ito ay pakitang tao? Paano kung front lamang ang mga ito. Paano kung ang lahat ng ito ay imahe lang ng isang tao na sinadyang gawin para itago ang tunay nilang saloobin o di kaya'y para itago ang kanilang pagkatao. Paano kung ito’y imahe lamang para di kaawaan, para mahalin, o para kunin ang simpatya ng nakapaligid sa kanya. Paano kung imahe lamang itong sinadya para maging “in” sa lipunang kanilang ginagalawan, lipunang sadyang mapang husga, lipunang mapang hamak. Paano kung ang nakikita natin ay talagang sinadya dahil yon ang gusto nilang ipakitang imahe. Imaheng pilit kinukubliaan ang tunay na nararamdaman, tunay na saloobin, tunay na nilalaman ng puso at isipan.

For those who are often misinterpreted because of their actions. Yong mga taong na judge na sa kung ano ang nakita sa kanila. “pastilan dude, its not your loss”. Di yon kawalan. Kawalan yon ng mga taong judgemental by nature. Kawalan, dahil hindi nila binigyan ng pagkakataon para lalo kang makila. Kawalan dahil sa likod ng pagiging malamya, may tapang kang sa puson este puso'y di maitatago. Kawalan, dahil sa likod ng iyong kahinaan, ang lakas moy di matatawaran.(parang bagyong Ondoy lang) Kawalan, dahil sa likod ng pagiging masaya, sa likod ng mga tawa, may pait at sakit sa puso’y pilit ikinukubli.(emotera lang pala) Kawalan, dahil sa likod ng pagiging pasaway, isang seryosong indibidwal ang iyong itinatago, Indibidwal na di hamak na normal sa kanilang mag-isip.(kala mo lang yon) Kawalan dahil sa imaheng nakikita nila, at doon ka kinilala, di maikukubli na ikaw ay taong nag-iisa sa mundo. Nag-iisang nilalang na natatangi at may unique na indibidwalidad. Nilalang na gaya din nla ay parehong mahal at nilikha ni Papa LOrd.

Baliw. Baliw. Sino ang baliw?. Yong tao bang mababaw ang basehan para kilalanin ang isang tao? O baliw bang maituturing ang taong pilit gumagawa ng imahe para itago ang tunay na sila. Sino ang baliw? Ikaw? Ako? Sila? o baka naman tayo? San ka dito? Nasan ka maruja?...

Baliw. baliw. Sino ang baliw? (lasing? ang kuleetttt eh)Ako bang nagsulat nito? O baka ikaw na nagbabasa. O baka naman iyang nasa tabi mo at pilit nakikibasa sa kabaliwang ito. O baka naman ang taong di pa nakakabasa nito?

Baliw, Baliw. sino ang baliw?(ulyanin mode)

hahahaha (tawa ng malakas sabay iyak)



(at dahil feel na feel mo ang pagsigaw sa utak mo ng huling bahagi, hala ka, baka baliw ka na?)

buhay na walang saysay

hay buhay.
kumplikado. magulo. masaya. bat ba ganito?
minsan ba nagtanong na tayo sa mga sarili natin kung anong meron sa buhay at pilit tayong lumalaban? anong meron at kelangan nating lampasan ang mga pagsubok? Minsan ba naiisip na nating sumuko? Yong tipong ayoko na, ganito at ganito na lang lage, nakakasawa. Sumagi na ba sa isipan natin, anong meron sa kabilang buhay? doon kaya magiging masaya tayo? Masubukan kaya…
Life is really tough though. No matter how we try our best to make our life better, and plan things so everything will be in good place yet, we screwed up. Screwed up because nagkamali tayo ng diskarte. Di ba pwedeng lahat perpekto. D ba pwedeng mapagbigyan man lang tayo kahit isang araw na perpekto, yong tipong wala tayong ibang iniisip kundi ang pagsapit na naman ng gabi, matulog at para harapin ang panibagong bukas. Bukas na di natin alam kung anong meron at ano ang pedeng mangyari. Bukas na maaring di na masusundan pa.
Not everything is meant to be, but everything is worth a try. Takot? Ito ba ang pumipigil sa atin para gawin ang bagay na gusto nating gawin? Ang bagay na alam nating makapagpapasaya sa atin yet we deprive ourselves dahil takot tayo. Kelan pa kaya tayo magiging matapang para sa ating mga sarili? Kelan tayo maninindigan para sa sarili natin? Kelan natin hahayaan na maging masaya naman tayo. Kelan tayo magbibigay ng saya sa taong mahal natin? Sa mga taong nakapaligid sa atin, kung tayo mismo ay hindi masaya. Ika nga “It should start in ourselves” Pano mo ibibigay ang isang bagay na alam mong wala ka. Ang pagiging masaya ba ay pwedeng hiramin para maipahram din naman natin sa taong gusto nating maging masaya? Pwede ba itong bilhin para pede ding maipamigay? Sana oo ang sagot. Sana ganon kadali ang buhay. Sana….
Pano ba magiging masaya? Makuntento sa kung anong meron tayo? Sapat na ba iyon? Oo, ang sabi nga nila. Makuntento tayo sa kung anong meron tayo. Nangangahulugan ba ito na di na tayo pwedeng maghangad? Sabi din nila, di masama ang maghangad. Nagiging masama lang ito, kung ang hinahangad natin ay labis. Yong tipong, we dont deserve na. Pano natin malalaman kung ano para sa atin? Know your worth. And you will know what you deserve. Sana huwag nating hayaan ang mga bagay na meron tayo na matakpan ng mga hinahangad natin. Dahil kung alam natin kung pano maging masaya sa kung anong meron tayo, yon, doon magiging masaya na tayo. Pero sana ganon kadali…
Pamilya, Kaibigan at Diyos. Kanino tayo tatakbo? Sino ang pwedeng tumulong sa atin. Kanino tayo magtatanong kung may saysay ba ang buhay natin. Sino ang pwedeng gumising sa atin sa mga panahong nag de-daydreaming tayo. Sino ang dapat na nauuna. Dyos? Pamilya? Kaibigan? Sino? Sino ang sasagot ng tanong na ito? Tayo? Oo tayo lang ang pwedeng sumagot nito. Mahirap ba o madali… hay buhay…..
Sana bawat isa sa atin magkaroon ng saysay. Yong tipong alam natin ang dapat, yong alam natin ang tama at mali. Yong tipong kaya nating manindigan sa tama. yong principle of fairness and being righteous ang laging basehan. Hay sana…. sana ganon lang kadali. sana.
sana ikaw na bumabasa nito, oo ikaw, huwag mu namang sabihing walang saysay ang buhay ko. Sana wag mong sabihing walang saysay ang buhay mo. Sana wag mong sabihin na walang saysay ang taong nakapalaligid sayo. Huwag sana.

live life to the foolest?

I’m practically living my life the way I want. I’m practical. I live in reality. That’s why, I guess its not so painful if I suffer. That’s life, and that’s reality.

But it does not mean that I don’t care the people around me. Of course they matters. Of course they are love and of course they are important. Its just that we really have to be wise enough on living our individual life. remember the line “Life is what we make it”? Live on reality. Deal with everything that comes on our way.

Somehow, dreaming is good, (yah it is always good, ryt kuya Jun, hahahaha) we don’t pay for it. But still we should be awake and make those dreams come true. WE should do something to make those dream materialize, if we do otherwise, those will remain dreams. A dream that’s is useless. Useless because we don’t make happen.

Live your life as you want it. Don’t live it because of any external factors. Don’t live it as how people want to see it. Live it because it yours. Live it as real as you can. Don’t live on foolishness. Live life to the fullest.

moving on

I know some people who cant moved on. Are they haunted by their past? I guess no. They are just not wiling to let go of things…
Letting go and moving on work for each other. We cant move on if we don’t let go of any emotions that we hold deep inside. This, is a hard process. As hard that I could understand because I have been in that stage. A phase in my life that I felt nothing. I felt empty, I feel lost. Lost within myself.
Lost in myself. Yah, I had been in this stage, stage that I think no one cares for me. A stage that no one listened at me, no one listened because I told to no one. I thought no one loves me, no one loves me because I did not give people a chance to love me. My heart is closed. Closed that made me harder to move on. I had set norms, norms that I shouldn’t set…
I really don’t dwell on the past that well. Not because I have encounters bad things, of course whats in the past are worth looking back, no matter how good or bad it is, because if not of what I had been through, I may not be the person I am now. Its my choice. I choose not to dwell because sometimes if we keep looking back, we forget the present. We forget the PRESENT that is God’s gift to us. We forget that there too many good thing at present because we kept looking back. I leave all those worries behind and concentrate on present. I live my life on a day by day basis.
they say, that we can only move on if we totally accept things. Acceptance is the key? Yes maybe its true. Some will disagree because got different view on this, but for me its true, really true. I had move on, on too many issues that bothers me in the past because I learned to accept things as it is. I learned that life is not perfect.I guess thats the biggest realization of mine. Life is not Perfect. I decided that I will leave my life as I want it to be and not as what people want my life to be. No one could dictates me. After-all,…. Its my life. A life that’s not perfect but a life that I want and the life I made, life that I had choosen because this is the life I deserve…..Life that I LOVE…not perfect but good