doubt... lost... confused

enlighten me….. I hope that after I write this blog, I would feel better… Im living but Im dead. My life lately sucks. I felt lonely. I felt empty. I felt alone. I lost my drive. As positive kind of person I know I am, now I doubt If I still know myself. Life is boring lately. It seems that everyday is almost the same. Work home routine. I never enjoyed such life like this. I thought its the life I want years ago. But now, I doubt it. Got some issues within me. Got good people around me. Got good friends. Got my family whom, I know loves me. Got those who is always willing to help me and reach out for me. But, Ive got the problem. The problem is me. It is not easy for me to ask help. It seems so hard for me to even share my real feelings. It seem so hard. I cant blame them if they really don’t have any idea of what I feel, of what I am and of who I am. They would usually see me as the clown of the group. The would never understand me. “abnormal bai ko” hehehe Life sucks. Life is boring. Life is sad. I dont know what my problem is, or maybe because I had my life managed lately, im looking for a what they call “sakit ng ulo”. Please make me batok guys. I want to scream on the top of my lungs. I want to run to no where. I hope I could regain my drive, my inspiration. I thought I was strong. I thought I am. Or maybe I just make myself believe that I am strong, that I am tough. But now? I doubt it. Enlighten me Lord. I don’t want to be like this. I put up a wall lately against everyone. I want to live in my own world. I want to resolved all those issues that am feeling guilty of. I want to be alone. Alone that solitude is my sole companion for me to visualize what I am going through right now. Last quarter of 2008 really sucks me and I still had the hang over until this early days of 2009. Life lately sucks but its not forever, I know it…. I am lost. Lost within myself. Lost within my own world, that I, myself created. Its I guess a stage that I don’t know If I really deserve. I know I had been a good christian, but why I feel this way?. I get rid of my negative side, Tried my best to be the best that I could ever be, and in the process I get lost. Yes, I lost myself. I left myself confused…..I left myself in doubt… I had stayed away to good people. I don’t know why. I had stayed away from good friends. I just don’t want to be attached with them. I know myself better than them, If I consider you as my friend, you will always be my friend. I know I had good friends, but lately those friends hurt me unintentionally. I hate myself. I should understand them in the first place why they acted like that, I should understand them why they misjudge me. I should understand them because they are my friends, right? I should understand them the way I understand my parents no matter what they will say, at the end of the day I could still realize that they are, indeed right. I hate myself. I hate that I could not understand them. I hate myself. I hate me. Enlighten me please… This will not be forever, right?… I am not asking anyone for help… But I am begging in YOU. yes LORD only YOU